Information dump
How do you know when to say what to whom? Though this may sound like the title of a Dr. Seuss book, it reflects a common communication problem that a lot of people struggle with. Let me tell you a story. In college, a buddy of mine really liked a girl that we both knew. He was head over heels for this girl and had liked her for a long time but sadly, as was usually the case with this friend, she didn’t notice him. It’s not that he was a jerk or unattractive, it’s just that he wasn’t really extroverted or a good communicator. He would “freeze” up in conversations. Well, months went by and nothing – no interest. Then one day, he signed up to go on a school retreat and when he arrived to leave, he noticed this girl was going as well. After months of nothing, he had given up on his chances with this girl. On the retreat, without the pressure of “liking” her, he was his own good natured self. He had a good time, laughed, and was genuinely interested in the people that were with him on the trip.
About a week after the trip ended, he found out that the girl had developed an interest in him. While on the trip, his genuine personality and humor had sparked something in her. This sent my friend into a frenzy. He wanted to play it cool, and start talking to her but he made a huge mistake that many people at the beginning stages of their relationships make that doom those relationships to failure. He began calling this girl and instead of having interesting conversations with her, he began to tell her all the details of his life and the problems he was going through and the struggles he was having. He dumped all of his personal garbage on her right at the start. You can guess the outcome. Her interest in him waned and that pretty much ended the relationship before it even started. This story reflects a common problem in building relationships: a misunderstanding of self-disclosure and restraint.
Building Intimacy In Relationships
Understanding how disclosure and restraint both work to build intimacy in relationships is very helpful. Self-disclosure describes a communication act whereby we reveal some intimate details of our lives to another person. On the contrary, restraint is when we hold that information back and keep it to ourselves. In relationship building and intimacy, think of disclosure as the gas pedal and restraint as the brakes. Good relationships grow based on a balance of disclosure and restraint. Just like driving with the gas pedal to the floor will most likely get you killed, disclosing everything about yourself on the first date will probably end up in a total wreck. At the same time, if you have the brakes on the whole time, you will never go anywhere. If you never give out details of your personal life to people who are important to you, you will never build trust with them and you will never develop intimacy. Intimacy in relationships comes through our communication. We get closer to someone when we trust them with personal information. When we divulge some of our deepest secrets and make ourselves vulnerable to others, we are placing our trust in them. That they will protect that information and maintain and keep that trust. When this happens, we grow more intimate. The key is knowing when to disclose personal information and when to hold back. To have the wisdom to know when to say what to whom.
A Timeline for Disclosure
How do you know when to give out what information? Too much personal information too early in the relationship can result in disaster. At the same time, not enough personal information can prevent the relationship from even getting started. You must develop wisdom here and, unfortunately, there isn’t a definitive guideline for everyone in every situation. There are, however, three factors that I believe can give you better sense of when to disclose information and when to hold back a bit.
1. At What Stage is Your Relationship?
First, you need to understand your stage of relationship development. A communication scholar named Mark Knapp came up with a staircase model of relationship development. which shows 5 stages of relationship growth and 5 stages of relationship decline. On the “coming together” side are the stages of Initiating, Experimenting, Intensifying, Integrating, and Bonding. On the other side, the “coming apart” phase has the 5 stages of Differentiating, Circumscribing, Stagnation, Avoiding, and Terminating. Since we are only interested in relationship building, we will focus primarily on the coming together phase.
We need to understand that relationships move through the stages from Initiating to Bonding through communication, particularly the two aspects of disclosure and restraint. Good and lasting relationships move forward at a unique pace. In the initiating phase and experimenting phases, when we first meet someone and begin a relationship, our communication is usually general, cordial, and doesn’t get too personal. We hold back our personal information and we talk about the weather, our sports teams and other small talk. This is called “phatic communication” and it’s small talk and communication to be sociable with other people. It’s when you enter the intensifying stage that people usually begin to reveal more personal information about themselves and in doing so, they remove some of their restraint. The integrating and bonding stages are characterized by a lot of disclosure and not much restraint. As relationships progress, we begin to disclose more about ourselves, to establish trust and build intimacy.
So, to know when to say what to whom, it’s first of all important to have a realistic idea of where your relationship stands. Are you in the initiating phase when the relationship is just beginning. Are you in the experimenting phase when you are starting to see if the relationship could move forward. Are you in the intensifying stage where your emotions and attraction are starting to ramp up. Are you in the Integrating stage when you are now a couple. Or are you Bonded and together. When I say realistic, that means not thinking its further ahead than where it actually is and not thinking its at a different stage than the other person thinks. For a realistic idea it’s a good idea to talk to the other person in an honest and clear way.
2. Know You
Second, you need to know yourself. Self-awareness is a realistic understanding of your emotions, your strengths, and your weaknesses and is a big part of emotional intelligence. You need to be able to reflect back and understand what has happened to you in past relationships. You should try and assess how you communicated in them and how our communication affected those relationships. This is a big step to being a more competent communicator and having more fulfilling relationships. Know thyself!!
3. Know Them
Finally, you need to have an understanding of the other person. If you don’t know enough about them to know whether your disclosure of information will turn them off, you probably aren’t at a stage in your relationship where you should be dropping all the gory details on them. Start small. Share some personal information and see if they reciprocate – if they share something back. If they don’t, it’s a clue that they may not be ready to move forward yet. If the other person has been burned in the past by someone because they shared too much, they may be hesitant to disclose information and may proceed at a slower pace. At the same time, if the other person begins dropping too much information on you too fast, you may need to put the brakes on and slow things down a bit. The key is understanding them. That comes through your conversations and being perceptive when they share information with you about themselves.
In closing, let me simply say this: If you don’t know if its the right time to disclose personal information with someone, as a general practice, shut up and think about what you are going to say before you say it. As the proverb states: Even a fool is thought wise if he keeps silent. What should you say when you don’t know if you should get more personal? Turn the conversation back to them.