How to Be Assertive at Work (Without Being a Jerk)

Most people who want to be more assertive at work are not too weak. They are misaligned. They think they pushed too hard on someone so they back off, apologize, and give away what they hoped to gain.

That is not a cliche, it’s what the research actually shows, and it changes how you approach and fix the problem. You don’t need to be louder. You need better sentences and a more accurate perspective of how other people see you.

Here is what assertiveness at work actually is, why it feels so hard, and the exact words to use in the situations where people most often go silent.

What being assertive at work means

Assertive means communicating your thoughts, feelings, and emotions with confidence and skill, and you hopefully maintain the relationship. It sits between two failures:

Passive: you hint, soften, or say nothing, and the problem remains.
Aggressive: you get the point across but damage the person, and the relationship pays the price.

Columbia researchers Ames and Flynn found this trade-off in how leaders are rated. People judged as very low or very high in assertiveness were both seen as less effective. Too little and the work suffers. Too much and the relationships suffer. The best-rated leaders ended right in the middle. (Ames & Flynn, 2007)

So the goal is not to become forceful. The goal is to get the work done and keep the relationship. That is a skill, and skills can be learned.

Why it is so hard to speak up at work

If you hold back at work, you have a lot of company. In a study of employee silence by Milliken, Morrison and Hewlin, 34 of 40 professionals, 85%, said they had felt unable to raise an issue with their boss even though they thought it mattered. (Milliken, Morrison & Hewlin, 2003)

Their reasons were not a mystery. They were afraid of being labeled a troublemaker or a complainer. They didn’t want to damage a working relationship. And some had decided speaking up wouldn’t change anything anyway.

Notice what is missing from that list: not knowing they were right. Most people who stay quiet know exactly what needs to be said, they just don’t know how to say it and that’s the problem.

You are probably less pushy than you think

In 2014, Ames and Wazlawek ran a series of negotiation studies and asked people to rate their own assertiveness, then compared that to how their counterparts saw them. People were bad at it. Among those their partners saw as under-assertive, 57% thought they had been about right or even too pushy. Overall, people had roughly a 50/50 chance of knowing how they came across. (Ames & Wazlawek, 2014)

In their study, they identified one pattern: the line crossing illusion. Many people who were seen as appropriately assertive believed they had crossed the line. So they tried to repair a relationship that wasn’t damaged, and in some cases they lost out in the repair.

If you are a nice person, this is probably you. The discomfort you feel after speaking up is not proof you went too far. It is often just the feeling of doing something new.

Free playbook

Need the exact words for your situation?

My free Say the Hard Thing Playbook gives you the sentence for ten hard conversations at work and at home: what to say in the moment, how to open the real conversation later, and what to say when they push back.

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One test before you speak: check the subject of your sentence

The fastest way to sound assertive instead of aggressive is grammatical. Look at the subject of your sentence.

“You” as the subject reads as an accusation or a command: “You keep missing the deadline.”
“I” or “we” as the subject reads as a clear statement the other person can respond to: “I need the report by Thursday to make the board packet.”

The facts are the same, but the way in which it comes across is not as accusatory. When you need to raise something hard, use this shape:

When [specific behavior], I [one-word reaction or impact], because [concrete cost]. Then say what you need.

At work, “I feel” can be swapped for the impact: “When the numbers come in Friday afternoon, I can’t check them before Monday’s meeting, because I have no time to catch errors. I need them by Thursday noon.”

How to be assertive at work: 7 situations and what to say

1. When you disagree in a meeting

Say the disagreement out loud, give one reason, and ask for a decision step. Don’t stack five reasons. One clear one is harder to wave away.

“I see it differently. My concern is [one reason]. Can we look at that before we decide?”

2. When someone talks over you

Keep your volume. Keep going, or claim the floor back with a short sentence and no apology.

“I’m not finished. Give me thirty seconds, then I want to hear your take.”

3. When your boss adds more work

“Yes” to everything quietly becomes “late” on everything. Make the trade-off visible and let your boss choose.

“I can do that. To do it well, something else has to move. Which matters more this week, [A] or [B]?”

4. When a coworker takes credit for your work

Correct the record in the room or right after, plainly, without accusing.

“I’m glad the idea landed. For the record, it came from the draft I sent Tuesday. I’d like my name on the next update.”

5. When you need to give feedback that won’t get softened into nothing

Nice people soften feedback until it’s basically meaningless. Name the behavior, the cost, and the change, with a time.

“When the client calls go unreturned for two days, we lose their trust, because they assume nobody owns the account. I need every client call returned the same day.”

6. When you need to say no

A clear no with an alternative is more useful than a reluctant yes. You don’t owe someone a long explanation. Overexplaining invites negotiation.

“I can’t take that on this week. I can do it Monday, or I can point you to someone who has room now.”

7. When they push back

This is where most people cave. They add new reasons, raise their voice, or drop the request. Do none of those. Acknowledge what they said, then repeat your sentence, calmly, with nothing new added.

“I hear that it’s a busy week for you too. I still need the numbers by Thursday noon.”

Repeating yourself feels awkward. It works because it shows the request is not going away and that you are not escalating.

How to know if you went too far

Because of the line crossing illusion, your gut is a poor judge here. Don’t guess, and don’t rush to apologize. Actually ask them.

“Did that come across stronger than I meant it to?”

Most of the time the answer will be no, and you will have kept what you asked for. If the answer is yes, now you can repair something real instead of something imagined.

If you lead a team

Silence at work is rarely just a personal habit. It blossoms where speaking up has felt risky or pointless. If you want to know which conversations your team is avoiding, and why, that is what the Conversation Avoidance Index measures.

For the bigger picture on why nice people struggle with this in every part of life, read A Nice Person’s Guide to Becoming More Assertive.

Before you close this tab

Pick one conversation and say it this week.

The Say the Hard Thing Playbook is free: ten real situations, the opening line for each, and the reply for when they push back. Keep it on your phone and open it before the meeting, not after.